Quotes and Funnies


KEEP LAUGHING

 The world needs more leaders like Richard Branson. Don't fit in to the world's box

Will I live until I am  80?

I recently picked a new primary care  physician.  After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well for my age”.

A little concerned about that comment, I  couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Well, do you drink wine or beer?” 

“Oh no”, I replied “I don’t drink either of those.”

Then he asked “Do you eat rib-eye steaks  and barbecued ribs?”  I said “No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?” “No, I don’t,” I said

He asked “Do you drive fast cars and do something every day that scares you?”

“No”, I said “I don’t do any of those things”.

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you care if you live to 80 or not?”   

A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”
The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”
The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”
The woman replies,
“Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return”

 Are you sure the duck is dead?

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she
cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”


The Great Philosopher Lao-Tsu said:

It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

The Bathtub Test.During a visit to the senior’s home, I asked the director how you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

   
There are three secrets to success:  The first is “Keep your eyes and ears open.”  The second is “don’t tell everything you know”.

Goal for 2018:  Accomplish the goals for 2017, which should have been done in 2016 because of the promise made in 2015 and planned in 2014.

A secret is something you tell everybody not to tell anybody.

The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese

One good turn gets most of the bedclothes